So what is "Love"? I've been giving this quite a bit of thought..... For as I have become older my definition of ♥ has definitely changed. When I was younger I was sure it was my stuffed dog, Farfel, and my Grandmother. Then I thought it was that boy in 3rd grade who pushed my down while chasing a kick-ball & made me scrape my elbows. Later I thought it was that Ukranian boy in 7th & 8th grade...and so it went.
In high school, I had to have been the only one who wasn't dating (or so I thought) and even though I was taught to be independent I was desperate to fall "in-love", get engaged & married. Where I got that idea from, I have no idea...because I sure didn't get it from my family.
In college, at age 18, I became engaged.....wow, was that ever a trip. All the drama, arguing, yelling, tears, breaking-up, getting back together...... Then when I turned 22, I became un-engaged! Talk about a blessing, I'm telling you. One day I woke up and thought: "This is how I want to spend the rest of my life, fighting & yelling everyday? I Don't Think So!" And so I became unencumbered and I met someone else, dated, and fell "in love" again, and without drama broke up again.....and so on.
When I moved out of my parents house at age 24.....I dated for what seemed like eternity, so many different men, but those relationships were all short-term and unfulfilling. Sure there was lust (hormones/internal breeding clock), mistaken for love, but when I woke up & smelled the coffee, it was a rather rude awakening. And back then I must say, in all honesty, it was ALL-ABOUT-ME and my feelings.....I was sure that men didn't have any.
Now, I'm older and so-very-much wiser.....I have the grey hair to prove it....and this is what I've come up with:
Attraction/ "In-LOVE" has a whole lot to do with smell....pheromones & hormones as well as the fantasies that are taught to us by Hollywood, television, Fairy-tales, women's magazines, romance novels, chick-lit, & Hallmark.
Being loved in a semi-adult relationship, has to do with self-esteem and the need we had as babies & children to be nurtured. When we don't feel loved we become needy, clingy, whiny, & desperate. We seek love outside of ourselves, when in reality we have to look no further than within our own being.
Learning to love myself was a huge angst filled lesson....I'm grateful that I finally learned it, but that love of self did not come without pain, tears, lessons & meditation. But, finally I have arrived!
There is a man I still care about (after 16+ years). I smile when I remember how he smells, along the bottom of his jaw line, there behind his ear and the crook of his neck (see there, pheromones). For the most part, I like how he treats me (when I don't, I just nicely tell him) and how he talks to me about almost everything that comes to his mind. I like how we can just sit next to each other and say nothing...... I understand the hard times he's had in his life and I allow him to be....as he does me.
He works hard and plays as hard..... He's tough and yet very gentle..... He's not flashy.
He is not mean, and he can be grouchy (he hasn't seen me like this yet), but generally he's a nice guy. There really isn't any HOT-STEAMY-PASSION...... But there is Caring and Trust, and we tend to be comfortable when we are together.
I have no need to marry (except I do like the idea of dressing up & having a party with my family & friends and food & champagne, but hey that could even be for my birthday) and certainly no need to have children....I'm very comfortable & happy with who I am & where I am in my life.
Being alone doesn't mean being lonely, being single doesn't mean being unloveable or that anything is wrong-with-me. I don't need anyone else to make me WHOLE, I Am Whole.....and two wholes may make for a powerful unit, but until that time when the other whole comes along I'll continue to share my life with my friends, family, & cats.
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