LSHIWMP

I received this from a friend.....

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

Spit 'em out everybody! They're assholes!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was --
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, --
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, --
--but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class --
--because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder --
--and got a little behind in his work..

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, --
--it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road --
--and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France --
--would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. --
--They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. --
--Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. --
--The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism --
--is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.--
-- Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, --
--'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.--
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road --
--is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison --
--was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray --
--is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet --
--writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. --
--In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, --
--they got a taste of religion.


23. Don't join dangerous cults: --
--Practice safe sects !

Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a Christian Family 's home one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

After awhile when he heard Nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler, Jesus!"

360: Butticons: November 17, 2008

Thought all my smart ass friends might enjoy this.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

8-) :-(

Well, how about some "BUTTICONS?"

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass (My favorite)

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

360: Some Laugh Medicine: September 13, 2007

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.




ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?


WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"


ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?


WITNESS: My name is Susan!


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


WITNESS: I forget.


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?


WITNESS: We both do.


ATTORNEY: Voodoo?


WITNESS: We do.


ATTORNEY: You do?


WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.


___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?


_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


WITNESS: None.


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


WITNESS: Guess.


_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


WITNESS: Oral.


_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


______________________________________



And the best for last:



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law