Library Avengers: Why You Better Fall on Your Knees and WORSHIP a Librarian

Avenging 29 Nov 2007 06:47 pm

Worship

Why you should fall to your knees and worship a librarian

Ok, sure. We’ve all got our little preconceived notions about who librarians are and what they do.

Many people think of librarians as diminutive civil servants, scuttling about “Sssh-ing” people and stamping things. Well, think again buster.

Librarians have degrees. They go to graduate school for Information Science and become masters of data systems and human/computer interaction. Librarians can catalog anything from an onion to a dog’s ear. They could catalog you.

Librarians wield unfathomable power. With a flip of the wrist they can hide your dissertation behind piles of old Field and Stream magazines. They can find data for your term paper that you never knew existed. They may even point you toward new and appropriate subject headings.

People become librarians because they know too much. Their knowledge extends beyond mere categories. They cannot be confined to disciplines. Librarians are all-knowing and all-seeing. They bring order to chaos. They bring wisdom and culture to the masses. They preserve every aspect of human knowledge. Librarians rule. And they will kick the crap out of anyone who says otherwise.

From: www.libraryavengers.org

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was --
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, --
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, --
--but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class --
--because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder --
--and got a little behind in his work..

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, --
--it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road --
--and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France --
--would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. --
--They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. --
--Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. --
--The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism --
--is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.--
-- Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, --
--'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.--
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road --
--is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison --
--was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray --
--is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet --
--writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. --
--In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, --
--they got a taste of religion.


23. Don't join dangerous cults: --
--Practice safe sects !

Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a Christian Family 's home one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

After awhile when he heard Nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler, Jesus!"

Laughter is Good Medicine: Elders' Meditation: February 19, 2009

"laughter is a necessity in life that does not cost much, and the Old Ones say that one of the greatest healing powers in our life is the ability to laugh."

--Larry P. Aitken, CHIPPEWA

Laughter is a good stress eliminator. Laughter causes healing powers to be distributed through our bodies. Laughter helps heal relationships that are having problems. Laughter can change other people. Laughter can heal the sick. Laughter is spiritual. One of the greatest gifts among Indian people has been our ability to laugh. Humor is natural to Indian people. Sometimes the only thing left to do is laugh.

Great Spirit, allow me to laugh when times get tough

So there are these two chickens...and one says to the other "Why did the man cross the street?" And the other one says "I don't know. Why do men do anything?"

What do Nebraska, Ford Motor Co. & a penny all have in common? "They all have a Lincoln"

Chickens in Libraries
A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".
The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head.
Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it.
The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".

360: Some Laugh Medicine: September 13, 2007

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.




ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?


WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"


ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?


WITNESS: My name is Susan!


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


WITNESS: I forget.


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?


WITNESS: We both do.


ATTORNEY: Voodoo?


WITNESS: We do.


ATTORNEY: You do?


WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.


___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?


_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


WITNESS: None.


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


WITNESS: Guess.


_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


WITNESS: Oral.


_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


______________________________________



And the best for last:



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

360: Wallace Teachings: July 14, 2007

Well...it was a bit back then, when Wallace was still in his "robe" that he was explaining about his family's belief of heaven & hell.

So he was saying how when he was a child back out there on the Rosebud...back in the 20's they had it hard, and that the wasicu who dressed in black (priests) would tell the people how's if they didn't do what they were being told to do, how they'd be going to hell. But if they did what them wasicu directed and lived in the prescribed manner, why then they'd be going to heaven.

And then Grandpa would laugh his laugh..."huh huh huh" and say: "But they didn't know they didn't scare us, because we don't believe in no heaven or hell. We believe in Tunkashila."

So yeah he was a pretty cool Elder. He liked to call his self a "Dumb Indian", because he had no formal education. But, I'll tell you this, he was by far the most informed Being I have Ever met. It was because he listened to those Spirits all the time.

All I ever had to do was "think" at him, and he'd answer me; in a dream, in my head, or sometimes with actual words....he'd just start talking away to me.

I didn't get to learn as much as I might have, but I learned what I needed/was willing to at the time.

And I could talk to him about most anything, he was a Real Person, not someone to be "Worshiped" or even to be put up on a pedestal. Sure, to be respected...no doubt about that, but so many people forgot that he was like us too....and you could just sit & shoot the breeze! He could be really funny...had a great sense of humor!

I miss him in the physical sense, but I still hear him and know he's still with me...heck, he even sits in the back of my truck and sometimes goes to ceremony with me!

So it's like that!

Mi Takuye Oyacin