LSHIWMP

I received this from a friend.....

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

Spit 'em out everybody! They're assholes!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Library Avengers: Why You Better Fall on Your Knees and WORSHIP a Librarian

Avenging 29 Nov 2007 06:47 pm

Worship

Why you should fall to your knees and worship a librarian

Ok, sure. We’ve all got our little preconceived notions about who librarians are and what they do.

Many people think of librarians as diminutive civil servants, scuttling about “Sssh-ing” people and stamping things. Well, think again buster.

Librarians have degrees. They go to graduate school for Information Science and become masters of data systems and human/computer interaction. Librarians can catalog anything from an onion to a dog’s ear. They could catalog you.

Librarians wield unfathomable power. With a flip of the wrist they can hide your dissertation behind piles of old Field and Stream magazines. They can find data for your term paper that you never knew existed. They may even point you toward new and appropriate subject headings.

People become librarians because they know too much. Their knowledge extends beyond mere categories. They cannot be confined to disciplines. Librarians are all-knowing and all-seeing. They bring order to chaos. They bring wisdom and culture to the masses. They preserve every aspect of human knowledge. Librarians rule. And they will kick the crap out of anyone who says otherwise.

From: www.libraryavengers.org

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was --
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, --
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, --
--but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class --
--because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder --
--and got a little behind in his work..

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, --
--it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road --
--and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France --
--would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. --
--They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. --
--Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. --
--The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism --
--is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.--
-- Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, --
--'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.--
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road --
--is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison --
--was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray --
--is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet --
--writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. --
--In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, --
--they got a taste of religion.


23. Don't join dangerous cults: --
--Practice safe sects !

Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar broke into a Christian Family 's home one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

After awhile when he heard Nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler, Jesus!"

You Don't ---- Like a Librarian!

For a bit more think-again humor, here's some of the other general comments made to the librarians who responded to my survey:

• You sure fit the stereotype.
• I never would have guessed you're a librarian.
• Libraries are really changing, huh?
• No, really, what do you do?
• You have a Master's Degree?!? My Favorite!
  
• I like to read, I should be a librarian too!
• You dance really well for a librarian!
• Since you have a bun and glasses it's a good thing you don't dress like a librarian!
• What are you doing in this field?
• I've never met a black librarian before.
• I didn't know librarians could be so young!
• If librarians looked like you while I was in school, I would have spent a lot more time in the Library!
• Isn't that a woman's job?
• You're not a typical librarian, are you.
• I never met a librarian who rode a motorcycle before.
• Where's your bun?
• I didn't know you had to go to school to be a librarian!
• You're too to be a librarian.
• You don't dress like a librarian.
• You dress too hip to be a librarian.

From: http://www.librarian-image.net/perc.html

@ the Library: Your Local Library is a Twisted Place

Funner & Funner

It’s been a while since I’ve posted any search terms here so I thought I’d entertain you by posting a few highlights from the last week. So without further ado, and in reverse chronological order, here it goes:

woeful librarian - You found me. I hope you enjoyed your visit

the dude - I abide

katee sackhoff - Blonde tomboy spacegirl awaits

homeless porn - I prefer porn that has a home

should bounty hunters have partners - domestic or otherwise?

stink panty - LOL!

debbie gibson playboy - Ahh, an old favorite

kooky stuff about scientology philosophy - Is there any other kind?

creepy stalkers at the library - Sadly, yes.

suicidegirls ala - [sigh]

like a monkey on a cupcake - This cracks me up every time

“@ the library” - Note the quotes, probably a librarian. Greetings & Felicitations!

ferris bueller’s day off ed rooney - Or L. Ron Hubbard?

nextgen librarian porn - How modern

stupid library patrons - Some days we practically drown in them

bettie page - RIP

hot librarian - Thank you

clowns to the left of me jokers to the r - Yes

“bizarre breasts” - Wow

my stalker - Must we go there?

librarian bacardi advertisement - My favorite!

vagrant porn - This is for you Tom

bar, library, book - Now you’re talking

libraries essential closings recessions - More than ever…

jersey city weed - Nice

Those are just the highlights… Oh and before I forget, a patron found a blood-stained sanitary napkin on the floor in the Women’s Room today just before closing. Always a great way to kick-off the weekend!

From: @ the Library: Your Local Library is a Twisted Place

http://librarianwoes.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/funner-funner/#comment-5890

Library Humor

From: Closed Stacks Librarian's Blog

Is that funny?

24Feb09

I told a librarian joke the other day. A friend and I were talking about teaching and communicating and I made the comment “I’m just terrible at disseminating information.”

It wasn’t a joke so much as a smart-assed comment, but the person I was talking to had no idea I was trying to be funny.

“That was a joke,” I said, “That’s my job, as a librarian. That’s what we do.”

He just shrugged.

That got me thinking, there are bound to be a ton of librarian jokes out there that I haven’t heard (cause I haven’t really heard any). A profession as widely stereotyped as ours presents tons of opportunities. So I did some web-based research, and found a couple sites. Of course, all the jokes I found were all about stereotypes, but a few rang true enough.

Here are a few that I thought were cute:

The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a ‘Contract’ for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a third grader who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought three books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech, he said scornfully, “The other librarian we had knew how to write.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————

A blonde walked into a library and said,
“Can I have a burger and fries?”
The librarian said, “Sorry, this is a library.”
So the blonde whispered, “Can I have a burger and fries?”

—————————————————————————————————————————————
An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled
” Advice for Young Mothers” from the local library.

Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.
—————————————————————————————————————————————
Lightbulb Jokes:

How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb? Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work!

How many catalogers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but they have to wait to see how LC does it first.

How many cataloguers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one provided it is in AACR2.

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb? (with a perky smile) “Well, I don’t know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!”

How many library system managers does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them as the manual was lost in the last move (or flood).

How many library managers does it take to change a lightbulb? At least one committee and a light bulb strategy focus meeting and plan.

How many library technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. One to follow approved procedure, and six to review the procedure. (8 if you count the librarian they all report to)

360: Butticons: November 17, 2008

Thought all my smart ass friends might enjoy this.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

8-) :-(

Well, how about some "BUTTICONS?"

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass (My favorite)

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

360: Some Laugh Medicine: September 13, 2007

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.




ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?


WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"


ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?


WITNESS: My name is Susan!


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


WITNESS: I forget.


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?


WITNESS: We both do.


ATTORNEY: Voodoo?


WITNESS: We do.


ATTORNEY: You do?


WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.


___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?


_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


WITNESS: None.


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


WITNESS: Guess.


_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


WITNESS: Oral.


_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?


______________________________________



And the best for last:



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law