Thoughts on Love, Life & Past Lives

I'm thinking really that we All just want to be loved....and how hard can that be?  For some of us being alone is a sad thing, but for others of us it is a good thing....for it's not about being lonely it's about being alone & in comfort with ourselves.

I am alone, for the most part I am more than comfortable being with myself, yet there are times I truly desire male companionship of one man in particular.  But it is plainly clear that "That Man" (as I refer to him to Creator) is "Just not into me", even though when we are together we have a smashingly good & loving time......  So this brings me to those thoughts that I have been mulling over the past several days:
 
What if, I'm here only to make amends for my actions in my past lives? How sad would that be?  I have had several less than happy relationships, which now roll off my back, like water on a duck...but during those moments within those relationships not all was happy.  When I sat in meditation of those relationships I have seen "movies" of past lives where I have purposely done damage to those men who were at present time less than loving towards me.  And I can honestly say that at times I laughed and said; "Oh that's why!"  I'm sure acting as Lucrezia Borgia was no laughing matter, but for some reason I find it a bit humorous....go figure.

So as I amble along in this life, I come to where I am now, with having had my soul make amends....and I'd say for the most part I'll call it being even, tit-for-tat...  Yet this most current relationship that has gone on & off for the past eight (8) years, but began with a gift of feathers almost fifteen (15) years ago, I don't want to call it even & forget about.   This is the one that has been intertwined with a few of the others and it is the one that has my heart dazed & confused.

So back log ago, in another time and in another place....back when they punished women of power, Jews, & heretics by torture & death, there I was a free & unencumbered by matrimony, a woman of power.  There are two distinct men I recall, but the one that hurt me the most is the one I am telling about now.  I only remember being tied to a stake surrounded by bundles of faggots (look it up) and watching as he sadly gazed at me while his "friends" lit the fire.  I remember the sadness and not comprehending why this should be happening when I could still feel the love between us..... As then another man in chain mail on a horse came to my rescue and took me away to safety....but that was another man with another story, maybe for another time.

In an other time, in an other place and an other life...maybe back in the 1700's (this is an estimation, for I only have a vision of this and a calendar that I am unable in this time to decipher)...in the time of Great Plumed Warriors, Serpents, Gods, Pyramids, & Temples.....we were there again with roles reversed.  Great Warrior woman was I, he my willing love, led into the temple, made love to upon the altar, conceiving twins and cutting his heart out as an offering to the Gods.....

Which brings us to current times.....where I once again have had a vision, one of Ptesan Win, an otter cannunpa & "That Man" & myself. Accepting the gift and being told that this would be the hardest thing that I would ever do in my life.....and now being at a loss as we are apart from his choosing.

No doubt, I pray, vision, seek answers, go out to that land and sit & offer up that tobacco..... In this time of the full-moon I once again ceremony, sit in that sacred circle,  requesting; answers, knowledge & the wisdom to know how to continue with that gift.....

I am not seeking matrimony, I am not seeking cohabitation, there are things I must complete here in this City....but the quality time we once spent together is what I am missing and making the sadness & heaviness of my heart.  No matter that I should continue to reach out, there is only my empty arms.

Truly I am at a loss.....

Mi Takuye Oyacin

Elders' Meditation: August 30th

"I started drinking more seriously, seeking refuge, seeking death actually, from a world that was feeling more and more unnatural to me. Following a painful accident related to drinking, I finally realized that I must decide whether I want to follow my grandparents or truly take up this life. Circumstances that followed led me to choose life."

--Barney Bush, SHAWNEE

My life is run by choices and decisions. Every choice I make today will carry with it the consequences of that choice. Every decision I make today will carry with it the consequences of that decision. The question I will ask myself today is, "Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?" Which ever one I choose will have a lot to do with the consequences I will experience today. If today was the last day of my life, what choices and what decisions would I make?

Oh Great Spirit, guide my path today and help me see the value of choosing the Red Road

Ok, so like I have given in to being happy....I just kind of keep my mouth shut these days...but I miss telling some people the truth....not that they listen, so not to waste my precious breath...I'll just write it out here.

So, as I read this meditation...I think of the one I've been forced to leave behind. He's been sober 19+ years now...and he works his steps to stay sober. What I see, but do not comment to him on is his behavior otherwise.

When we were still talking to each other he'd mostly sound unhappy, he'd say he didn't want to continue with his soberball group, he didnn't want to go to work (I'm not gonna say exactly about his job, but it's not in an office 9:00-5:00), he spent more time with the group that drinks (which he said wasn't making him happy either). He's not happy with his family (mother & siblings). He wouldn't put time in our friendship/relationship...which caused me to stop making an effort as well. It's just mostly sour grapes, because in my mind, you eventually have to stand up and get on with it...being miserable is a waste of time and a huge waste of life.

I thought A.A. was about giving it up....letting go of the pain & b.s. and getting on with life, as well as getting & staying/living sober. I thought it was about trusting Creator...about working it through and past the misery. I thought it was about letting go and making life better for yourself and your loved ones.

I really thought that the steps were there to help a person get well, to heal the past traumas in their life as well as stay sober. If that is so, how can one actively work the steps and not get well? Not heal? What's the point...if your not gonna do it all the way, why bother to do it at all?