Elders' Meditation: August 30th

"I started drinking more seriously, seeking refuge, seeking death actually, from a world that was feeling more and more unnatural to me. Following a painful accident related to drinking, I finally realized that I must decide whether I want to follow my grandparents or truly take up this life. Circumstances that followed led me to choose life."

--Barney Bush, SHAWNEE

My life is run by choices and decisions. Every choice I make today will carry with it the consequences of that choice. Every decision I make today will carry with it the consequences of that decision. The question I will ask myself today is, "Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?" Which ever one I choose will have a lot to do with the consequences I will experience today. If today was the last day of my life, what choices and what decisions would I make?

Oh Great Spirit, guide my path today and help me see the value of choosing the Red Road

Ok, so like I have given in to being happy....I just kind of keep my mouth shut these days...but I miss telling some people the truth....not that they listen, so not to waste my precious breath...I'll just write it out here.

So, as I read this meditation...I think of the one I've been forced to leave behind. He's been sober 19+ years now...and he works his steps to stay sober. What I see, but do not comment to him on is his behavior otherwise.

When we were still talking to each other he'd mostly sound unhappy, he'd say he didn't want to continue with his soberball group, he didnn't want to go to work (I'm not gonna say exactly about his job, but it's not in an office 9:00-5:00), he spent more time with the group that drinks (which he said wasn't making him happy either). He's not happy with his family (mother & siblings). He wouldn't put time in our friendship/relationship...which caused me to stop making an effort as well. It's just mostly sour grapes, because in my mind, you eventually have to stand up and get on with it...being miserable is a waste of time and a huge waste of life.

I thought A.A. was about giving it up....letting go of the pain & b.s. and getting on with life, as well as getting & staying/living sober. I thought it was about trusting Creator...about working it through and past the misery. I thought it was about letting go and making life better for yourself and your loved ones.

I really thought that the steps were there to help a person get well, to heal the past traumas in their life as well as stay sober. If that is so, how can one actively work the steps and not get well? Not heal? What's the point...if your not gonna do it all the way, why bother to do it at all?