The Elder was approached with a request that she conduct a talking circle. A woman in her late 30s explained to the Elder that she and a group of her friends together have been exploring the idea of letting negative people in their lives go. The Elder accepted the tobacco and agreed to meet them. The circle was to be conducted at the Elder's house. The energy in the Elders home was beautiful and inviting. After smudging and praying, the Elder held her fan and told the participants in the circle that the sacred medicines will be placed on a blanket in the middle of the floor. Should anyone need to smudge at anytime during the circle, they are more than welcomed to do so.
The Elder introduced the topic of circle, ‘letting go of negative people’. She told the participants that she’d like to hear from them and passed her fan to the person sitting next to her. One by one, the people in the circle spoke about their desire to let go of the negative people in their lives. Affected by their declarations, people shed tears and most expressed intense emotions.
The fan was returned to the Elder and she thought about everything she just heard, and silence filled the room. The Elder began by saying, ‘ Many of you spoke of negative and toxic people in your life; people who drag you down; people who make you feel bad about yourself. Many of you talked about people in your life that only see the negative aspects of the world. You spoke about people that create drama so that either they are either the center of attention or they detract attention from the mess they made in their own lives. You talked about people in your life that create chaos in other’s lives so that they can enjoy the show.’
The Elder became silent once again; and said in serious tone, ‘I am going to ask you some important questions. The questions that I am about to ask you are the same questions I asked of myself when I was going through this same part of my healing journey. I am not accusing you, so don’t personalize these questions; I am only asking that you think about them. Are you all open to these questions?’
The Elder waited until she gained agreement from all the participants and then asked, ‘what role do negative, chaotic, dramatic filled people play in your life? Are they relatives and disconnection is unrealistic? If so, let me ask, what stops you from having limited contact? If these characteristics describe the person that you are in relationship with, have you ever asked yourself how your dreams will ever be nourished in a toxic environment? If this describes your workplace, what stops you from applying for other jobs? If they are friends, have you asked yourself why you choose to spend time with those who express kinship with bitterness? If are allowing negative, chaotic, dramatic filled people to have centre stage in your life, why? Do they represent your comfort zone? What do they inspire in your life? Do they represent excuses for the limitations you placed on your possibilities? Are they your quicksand, sinking you deeper into negativity so that you don’t have to form healthy connections that take work and commitment?’
The Elder paused. She allowed her questions to sink in. She said in a gentle tone, ‘my dear ones, we grow with the important questions that we ask of ourselves. Our healing is found within our answers.’ The Elder sat up ever so slightly, leaning forward so that the group would get that what she was about to say was important. She said, ‘my dearest ones, I know that letting go of certain people, means taking a huge risk. It means that you have to let go of fears; like the fear of being alone. You may have told yourself, ‘who would be in my life without them’? You may have told yourself, ‘I will end up alone.’ But let me ask you, my dearest ones, is this really true? If you don’t let go, how do you know for sure? Let’s look at this, another way; how many times have you felt alone because of the way you felt being around negative people? Did you survive? You sure did because you are sitting here; and so, the answer is yes. Ok, but did you like the way you felt when you are around negative people? Would you rather just survive or live?’
The Elder sat back and once again silence feel as her words floated in the air. The Elder observed that some participants were doing their best to grasp her teachings, but seen that not everyone was clear, so she decided to use an example. She said, ‘let me stop here and create a picture for you. Imagine that you are in the Sweatlodge and it is pitch black; you feel safe; and are ready for a sacred experience. However, instead of prayers and songs; all of sudden everyone begins moaning with pure bitterness. Saying things like, ‘oh, I hate her because she did this, my life is so bad, I hate my job, everyone is so stupid, the world is hard, my father is horrible, only the rich have it easy, I hate him or her, you know what the problem with you is’, and so on… Now ask your self, ‘do I just sit here or do I call, ‘All my Relations!’ It would be a dilemma for some because they would want to have the experience, but at the same time they want to continue healing in a positive way. While others might think to themselves that they should just sit quiet and allow the negativity to manifest itself throughout the lodge. Others might think; wow, I recognize myself in those voices. Am I right?’ Many in the circle nodded.
The Elder continued, ‘yes, the fact is my dear ones, that many of us have experienced trauma. It may also follow that at one point we may have been bitter too. However, we made a choice to begin our healing journey. Who made that choice for us? It was no one but ourselves that made the choice. We had to be at a place in our lives where we felt that we were ready to grow. At one point in our healing journey, we begin to notice the people who we surrounded ourselves with; it is a normal part of personal development. It is then we may ask ourselves, ‘do I want to stay in the darkness surrounded by negativity, or do I want to call ‘All my Relations’ and become a shining light that inspires others, as well as myself; and just get out of the darkness.’
In the beginning, you might think to yourself, ‘why can’t I just be a shining light there in darkness?’ Our Ancestors taught us about energy and connectivity, since the beginning of time. This is why we are told we are all connected. The question becomes, should we stay in a place were we connect ourselves to negativity. For those who said to themselves, should we sit in the darkness of a lodge, after all is it not a ceremony? Although my example of the lodge was a metaphor, still I want to tell you that our life is a ceremony. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience and so I would ask, ‘what is stopping you from calling, ‘All my Relations’ when you need a time out. Time away from negativity means becoming mindful of the present moment, which is a spiritual experience. For our spiritual sustenance, we partake in a vision quest or what many refer to as meditation so that we can allow balance to rejuvenate our journey. Please, my dear ones hear this, ‘your life is a ceremony. You were not meant to be surrounded by negativity.’
The Elder paused and had a drink of water; she wanted to allow the participants time to absorb what she was saying. She continued, ‘I am aware that there are practical realities, as mentioned earlier; negativity may comes from relatives. The fact is that many of us love our kin. We may not necessarily choose them as friends, but we love them. Again, I ask you, why not set limits around them and spend only a certain period of time with them? Yes, by all means attend family events, but give yourself a limited time. There is no doubt that first it will hard. You have to remember that people are used to you being around; and right or wrong, they have taken your presence as validation of the things that they say and do. Additionally, when you start setting personal boundaries, people may accuse you of ‘trying to better than they are’. If you listen to that nonsense, you are using a wonderful tactic to stay stuck. Dive head first into your courage and let them know that you not trying to be a better than anyone else, you are trying to be a more authentic version of you’. Proudly declare that, ‘you are not in engaged in competition; however, you are engaged in healing.’
I talked about being a shining light earlier. So one might ask; how can one be a shining light; and yet, at the same time maintain respectful personal boundaries around negative people? We must remember; prayer and good kind thoughts towards others are powerful. We can pray that when those who are negative are ready; they too will begin their healing journey and then let Creator take it from there. The truth is that the relationships that you allow in your life is a personal choice; one that only you can make. However when you feel yourself pulled into negativity by your partner, friend, fellow employees, boss or relatives, I suggest that you ask yourself those challenging questions that I posed earlier. However, of all the questions that I suggest you ask yourself in relationships, the most important ones are, ‘am I honouring my spirit in this relationship? Am I honourig the other person’s spirit in this relationship? If the answer is no, ask yourself how you will begin to bring honour to your relationship with others as well as yourself. Remember, your healing lies in the answers. After all, you are a spiritual being, deserving of having an amazing journey. My dearest ones make your life the ceremony it should be.’
The Elder requested that everyone stand and she smudged and prayed with them and afterward asked them to give hugs to one other. She asked them to do so with awareness of the good and healthy people that they are attracting into their lives, which make all the people in the circle.
All my Relations,
Emily Jane Henry, (ejh)
Kihci Têpakohp Iskotêw Iskwêw
Emily Jane Henry, (ejh)
Kihci Têpakohp Iskotêw Iskwêw
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