Musings on Love & Memory

I came upon this quote in a book I was reading, and it makes sense to me, especially when I look out upon the world and see all the broken hearted lonely people craving love and affection:

"We can never let the world take our memories of love away, and if there are no memories, we must invent love all over again"; "Love is what the cup of our soul contains when we leave the world and the flesh. This we will drink forever." Magda from "The true Story of Hansel and Gretel" by Louise Murphy

I am in and out of a "relationship" and have been for the past 7 years....I know what it is when he holds me, I know when he has kissed me, I Know the Love hiding therein is Real. I Know, I Feel it.

I also know that his hiding is Not about me. It's his own sense of lack, his own pain & misery.....I was not the one that helped to create it...but I am the one who is willing to help heal it. But again it is up to him to want to heal....it is his choice, not mine.

I know that we are all responsible for our own part in each of our relationships, we are all to blame, and the blame is shared...it takes two. But to heal a relationship, both people have to step up to the plate and make the effort, when one or the other refuses to take part in the healing, then there is but no choice to take a time out.

I am in a time out....I have not walked away...I can not say that I ever will. I can say, that I continue to live my life, I do make plans and stay busy...I go out with other people (men included) and I live my life to its fullest. If another comes along that makes my heart sing, so be it...I will cross that bridge when I come upon it.

I am not lonely, I am not broken hearted...I am sad, I carry my sadness within my heart, but I do not give up nor do I stop living and I continue with my life a much as possible. Occasionally I cry, but not very often, for I am not the one who is losing out on love. There is love in my life everyday and every way. I am surrounded by love, I give love and I receive love.

I keep the good times in mind and I give thanks for having the opportunity to have known that man. I will keep the memories for I know what love of a good man is...and if it is not to be with him, then I know what I need from another.

So, that's how it is....

More Native Chat Site Hatred: April 25, 2009

"YOU MUST BE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR YOU FAKE WANNABE NATIVE!! MT SQUIRREL HAS MORE NATIVE BLOOD THAN YOU DO. YOU ARE A FAKE AND YOU KNOW IT! SO GO TELL SOMEONE WHO REALLY CARES BECAUSE LITTLE WANNABE I DON'T.....YOU MUST HAVE WORE YOU THIMBLE SIZE BRAIN SEARCHING THE INTERNET LOOKING FOR A PUBLIC STATEMENT.JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE WRONG FOR STEALING WHITE BISON'S WORDS AND PRETENDING THEY ARE YOURS SO YOU CAN LOOK LIKE SOME WISE NATIVE.. YOU'RE JUST A FAKE..WAHKONTAH 2009-04-18 #169291 Apachu"


Then there was more from someone who calls herself mvskokeLady(lady is hardly an accurate term, in fact Totally misleading) # 59358 who is 1/2 & 1/2 ......about being "white woman who pays for ceremony and has no tradition of her own.....needs to stop stealing from Natives" " I wonder what makes a white woman sit on here and pretend to be one of us when she has her own culture to celebrate and to rejoice in and to seek out....."




This is my response:

Re: Elders' Meditation #161182 Incante Sica Winyan - Ok, RQ...here goes.......>>>

As for my beliefs......Ceremony is for 'prayer' and ceremony is Free! I have the right to pray as I see fit..and for me a church is just an empty building (except on Sunday)...My God (Creator) is Not Dead and is Everywhere!

I am not a 'christian', I Don't Have to Be! Jesus was Jewish, a Rabbi even, and so were his followers. I do not ever believe what they do nor do I condone their part in the genocide of those in the World that were/are non-christians, that is not what the Creator I believe in stands for.

I believe that we are here to take care of all the living beings on the planet, that we are responsible for life here on Mother Earth as we know it. There is One (1) Creator...We Are ALL Children of 'God'.

There is also something called the First Amendment, it Includes Freedom of Religion, and I choose to believe the Native Teachings (which does not include Hatred that I know of).....>>>

Would you prefer that as a 'white woman' that I condemn you for being 1/2 and 1/2 (a Tribal Card is just another piece of paper to keep track of you)?

Would you prefer I taunt you and make fun of your heritage (as you have said your family has)?

Would you prefer that I call you an 'Ignorant Red Savage'?

Would you prefer I condemn you for; speaking English, wearing non-hide clothing, using electricity, cooking on a stove, driving a car, having a telephone and cell phone, using a computer?

Would you prefer I call you Barbie? Would you prefer I call you that 'P.N'. word that I loath?

Would you prefer that I tell you 'You are going to Hell for being a Heathen and for not believing in Jesus'?

Would you prefer I treat you in the manner you treat me, or speak to you in the same manner, call you names?

I think not. That's not how I was raised, that's not what I believe (but I do know all the words)!

I was raised by parents who were victims of genocide...and get this..they are of Middle Eastern Tribal People...and genocide has been in my family since the Pharaohs...400 BC (Before Christ, Before Colombo, whichever).

However, my family has chosen to forgive, make peace and go beyond, to not only make a better life for themselves and their family, but to make this Mother Earth a better place to live for Everyone.

I feel sorry for you, your rage and hatred...believe me when I say...If being 'Native' is being like you, I'd rather be nothing.

Stop making a fool of yourself, because you have the potential to be of service to the people...right now there is only one person you are hurting.... Mi Takuye Oyacin 2009-04-20 #161182 (Incante Sica Winyan 161182 on 2009-04-20)

Verbal Abuse in a Native Website: April 19, 2009

I'm going to be honest here...I post the "Elders' Meditations" on a Native website , I Always say they are "Elders' Meditations", I do not give the link, as most of the people there know where they come from.

Today I bitched out about the postings being "plagiarism". A few days back I was Bitched out about something else I wrote and was told I'm (or my ideas/words are) "asinine", and a week or so prior I was Bitched out again. Sadly, it has become that the responses I get to the blogs I post have become a never ending Hate fest!

It seems that every time I post something in the blogs that two particular women don't like (Apachu & Wihanna), they verbally attack me...when I defend myself, they team up like a WWE Tag Team and become even more verbally abusive and just plain ugly. I was even told once by one of the two (Apachu) that I "should look in the mirror".

Obviously, I'm not allowed to post anything that these two disagree with unless I'm willing to be beat up.

What the Hell is going on that this type of continual hatred and abuse is allowed?

What is it about the hatred and name calling that is okay? And on some nights it's no better in chat...but that's a discussion for another time.

The place is making me sick...I can not stand the hatred and abuse, there is nothing healthy in that. Mostly I don't respond to the posts the two make in response because there really is no point...unless I want to bait a hook....but even that takes an enormous amount of energy.

I know both anger & hatred are an illness...condemnation of others is a mask of insecurity and low self-worth....bullying is just another form of enraged insanity.

When is it going to stop? When are people going to get well? When are people going to realize that by attacking others, they just make themselves look bad?

Anyways I'm tired of this...and I'm really hoping it stops, because that once was a wonderful site for friendship. I've met some wonderful friends here, but because of the discord most of my friends have left.

As my momma use to tell me, well actually she still does: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all".

I guess that's all folks!

360: Silence in a Realtionship: November 28, 2008

Silence is Golden

Silence is a Guy Thing

Silence = Death

(of a relationship)

Silence speaks 1,000 times louder than words

Silence is deafening

Silence is disheartening

Silence is cold

Silence is cruel

Silence is heartbreaking

Silence is taking for granted

Silence is inhospitable

Silence is chicken

Silence hurts

S=Solitary

I=Inhumane

L=Lonely

E=Erosive

N=Noxious

C=Corrosive

E=Ends a relationship

This is what I have learned from the men I know...

Silence? It's a guy thing!

However, I am a Woman, and it's tearing me apart!

360: On Child Abuse (RNS): September 5, 2007

A Lifetime of Lies
she looks into his eyes with complete trust
takes his hand as they walk down the hall
his promises fill her heart with joy,
she believes, she never realises she is his toy
his words are so smooth and practiced,
but she is too young, she doesn't know
"You know how much I love you sweetpea"
to her they are special and she loves him so
as the door closes the journey begins
a lifetime of lies
a lifetime of shame
a lifetime of sin
he is her daddy after all, and he wouldn't lie
Its okay sweetpea, I love you, you know
but musn't tell mommy, no one must know
Its okay sweetpea, I love you, you know
You are my special girl but no one can know
they would all hate us and they will take you away
and I won't be able to see you each day
Is that what you want, for me to go
No daddy please, I would miss you so
he holds her close and kisses her so sweet
and then comes pain and his eyes she can't meet
as the door closes the journey begins
a lifetime of lies
a lifetime of shame
a lifetime of sin
the child is a woman, soon a home of her own
those times forgotten, pushed aside as she'd grown
today is the day her future is in sight
everything looks rosy and everthing bright
the man she gave her heart takes her in his arms
the memories scream loud as she whimpers in pain
she pushes away and runs for the door
She stops, turns back and opens the door
You are not my father, that man is gone
you are my husband and where I belong
I ! am closing the door
on a lifetime of lies.
a lifetime of shame
a lifetime of sin
And opening a new door, a new journey begins...

" to all of our children, every one, every where,
Don't ever think you are alone. You are not. Don't ever 'keep it to yourself'. You can't. Don't ever believe there won't be a 'next time'. As long as you stay silent, there will be. Don't ever let this lie ruin your life like it almost did mine, and many, many others like me..Always do your best to be safe and always know you are loved, the way we were all meant to be..openly and without shame...by every one of the rest of us. Do your part and we'll do ours. our hearts are with you...and our LOVE!!!!!!

Thanks for viewing, if you know someone who would benefit from my journey, please feel free to send the image and the words...its about healing for anyone who needs it, there are more out there like me who need someone, look around and please help if you can...My life would have been so much better if someone had listened..My life is better now that I have put this behind me and chosen to share so that others know they are not alone...Blessings to all....

360: Grace & Dignity: June 10, 2007

Ok: So since I have received my graduate degree, I have been praying for a new position as a librarian in a beach community.

One p.t. position became available, which then became f.t. I interviewed with a wonderful tribunal and I came out as the #1 candidate.

When I returned for a second interview, I was greeted by a subordinate in a less than cordial manner...and during the interview I was treated in a demeaning and rude manner by the same subordinate.

How is it, that for a Professional position that I was interviewed by a "para-professional" subordinate staff member? Why is it that someone so rude and "proprietary" would be allowed to interview Professional staff? Where were the other professional staff members, and why were they not a part of the interview team?

Not only are these my concerns....but, when one walks into a library, isn't it preferable to see more than a stairway on first sight? On the back side of the stairway there was a white sign with grey lettering on a white wall indicating which departments were located on which floor. But really, how uninviting, cold, and non-user friendly of an environment.

Emphasis of the interview was focused not on collection but on virtual libraries and outreach. Yes outreach is an excellent service, but one must never forget the people who come into the library simply to spend leisure time and browse the collection.

Call me "old-fashioned" I want books, books, more books, and an occasional video. I want more than computers, which I have at home....Nothing ever will replace the goodness of a book, where I have access to my own quirky imagination, where I have the option of making a character come to life as I see fit....nothing is all "thought out" or preplanned for me, rendering my mind, imagination, and creativity as useless functions. I am not lazy, I prefer to think for myself...this is FREEDOM!

Needless to say, I will not be working for this library system.

360: More Thoughts on Love: May 16, 2007

This is an older e-mail, one I have received many times, but I thought I'd like to share it with all of you.



1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man / woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened

11. There' s always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

360: Elders' Meditation: May 12, 2007

As I read this meditation...it makes me think of love.


"When you go inside that power, there's no fear. It's so beautiful!! There's no fear there. There's no pain." ---- Wallace Black Elk, LAKOTA


It's like for me, when there is love there is no fear, there is no pain...you just open your heart and feel the joy, peace and loving comfort that love offers.


So I like that..it's a good feeling, it makes me smile and I feel free. So then I want to share it...that love, joy, and loving comfort.


I'm praying that soon I'll be in that loving place again...I seem to have lost it. Well not lost it exactly, but I have put it away since last October. It seems that I am allowed to bring it out and share it except for every 6-8 months, but that is no longer enough...I want to love daily (if at all possible).


I mean it feels so good...when we are in that loving place, so I can not comprehend why we choose to run and hide. How can we turn on our backs on the love that is being offered us? I know we recognize real love..it makes our hearts warm, tingle and sing. But turning away, how sad....makes my heart break.

360: Outgrowing Childhood Hurts: August 16, 2006

We are all wounded in childhood in various ways...No family is perfect, even if we don't realize it. How family members and authority figures treated us as we grew up affectes our self image and all of our relationships.


Without awareness we can not outgrow and heal those habits and self defeating patterns that keep us tied to self destructive behavior....Our personal power can not develop.

These habits, behaviors, and past childhood experiences can be scary to explore, but when ignored we perpetuate these destructive forces and allow them to rule our our relationships and control out lives.

Do we sometimes sabotage opportunites or feel confronted by certain situations? Do we become bossy or stubborn when we have no need? These behaviors are rooted deep in our past...we are mirroring what we learned as children.

The time has come to open our hearts and heal our hurts and past experiences. Love is the key. When we open our hearts to love we open our hearts to Creator. Acknowledging the power of Creator in times of difficulty will get us through. When we carry love in our hearts, and we love ourselves then we will be able to love others and heal our relationships.

When we find ourselves to be worthy of love, so too will others.

Mi Takuye Oyacin.

360: What I Have Learned About Love: July 22, 2006

1: No one can love me if I do not love myself

2. Have No Expectations

3. Speak softly, honestly and with care

4. Just because I open my heart to another heart, there is no guarantee that the other heart will open to me

5. It isn't always about Me, or My needs, wants, or desires

6. Love is as Love does

8. I can not be angry and expect to attract love

9. Non-actions show who I am as much, if not more, than my actions

10. Silence is 1,000 times louder than words

360: Closing Out Love: July 7th 2006

I look at our relationships and I see our Love dying.

I mean when we love and care about someone, so many times our fear, hurts, and ego get in the way. When we give in to the hurt, fear, and ego we close the person who loves us out of our heart...we push them out of our life. Many times that person will sit and wait, but for how long. How long can a loved one wait, how long can they bear being ignored until we open our heart again to them?

When we shut someone out like that, it is like telling them they have no value in our life, that they are not good enough. We hurt them in the way we are hurting...we are destroying the love they have for us. The ego has the ability to destroy love and our very being, and so in turn we destroy those who we love and those who love us. Can we afford to live without love?

Our stubborness is no justification for our self-centeredness, for our selfishness...that is ego and the side effect of a closed heart. What joy is there in alienating those we love, those who love us? It takes two people to have a relationship, and each of us is responsible for our own part in that relationship. When we shut a person out and they walk away from us...we end up alone. Is it their fault that they walked away from a locked door?

Personally, I don't want my heart closed anylonger. I like the way it feels now that it has been opened. But, I am beginning to wonder if opening it was a mistake? I do my best to not take being shut out personally...maybe it's not about me, but then again without any type of communication, who's to say.

So for those of us who are hurting...remember as we hurt and close down, we in turn are hurting those who love us, those who can help to heal the hurt and bring us into love once again.

"The heart can break many, many times. But then can break no more."

Mi Takuye Oyacin